so my second day of photo is finished. i basically can manage to finish a shift without much concern. it was easier than i thought. it's always the beginning that is daunting but once you get a better idea, it is much easier. it must be like this for many things in my life that are on pause. i'm afraid to move forward but maybe just maybe it's like cashiering and photo. it seems impossible at first, but actually doable, and even exceed expectations in the end. the photo position is so chill and there's very little work, so they have to find extra work for me to do in the meantime. today, i became the operator of the store for 1 hour. basically answer calls and route them to the correct department. all these new things are coming at me all at once. but so far i'm able to handle it ok. i realized today that you can basically lie about many things if you have good intentions, it smooths out many things. maybe that's how people joke around. it's lying but for a good cause, to make people laugh. maybe i was too stuck on being real and honest. if you take honesty and real too far, it becomes rigid and boring. i can use lies to lube this situation up a little.

giftcards are easy, quick and useful but the end-receiver usually does not remember what they bought exactly with that giftcard. it's just money. but when you buy something that a person really needs and uses, they will remember you every time they see it. so, the best gifts are items people use, that they will keep using for decades. food, once eaten is gone from memory too.

my financial budget system is actually opening up a new world to me. i can spend without guilt. giving me an opportunity to experience and enjoy all that was blocked off from myself because of unreasonable money saving habits.

woa, i'm really a photo dude now. it's less physical exertion with a small raise. it's the correct step up. i think i proved myself as a regular cashier. now, i have to do well at this new job. i got a $15 gift card for being the best cashier of the month. my work life is on a steady up direction.

i've been studying stocks again. i think my knowledge is 110% better than when i used to trade. i haven't given up on that stream of income. when my cash is ready, i will be successful at it.

i am waiting on a refund from my church for a decent amount. it will wipe out my credit card debt and pay off my friends, early next year.

after that, i will only owe my family.

much less stress in 2010.

merry xmas!

woa, i just realized something pretty hardcore. i actually enjoy working around people. today, the highest manager asked me to go sort out strays. i realized that i hated it. i tried to understand why i hated it so much and realized that it was because i wasn't interacting with customers while doing it. this is huge because i started this job hating social interaction. now, i love it. anyone who has trouble with people should just become a cashier for 2 years. it will be healed. lol

i dislike this commercial line.... "in a world that doesn't, droid does." wtf are u talking about. you're talking to A WORLD THAT DOES. you can try belittling some other group of people for the sake of increased profits.

i can't believe this is included in the olympics...

but this...

or this...

isn't.

i think it's because i watched troy right before going to work. on my lunch break i was walking towards subways and this one asian guy was walking toward me. the path narrowed and one of us had to move aside. but, both of us were sorta t'd up and didn't want to compromise. so his chest slammed into my elbow. i think i heard him say sorry. but, i just walked by.

actually, in all honesty... it feels to be like this again. i was giving up a lot of my t-power so that i can be amiable with co-workers and guests at work. i want to watch troy again if it helps. i want to buy the gladiator dvd too. i think watching man-films is very useful in increasing aggressiveness. aggressive music helps too.

so i figured out this huge thing. sometimes you can't wait for external factors to decide your feeling good in life. it's possible just to force myself to feel good without anything good happening. it's almost like a miracle mechanism. you can unlimitedly feel good all the time if you have the will to do so. "i feel great." that's all i need to say to myself, and i'm back at that desirable level. i don't need to win the lottery or have lots of money or get girls.. i just feel great. lol the thing is.. i have a feeling the good things in life come after you figure out how to feel good without having anything. bc when u feel like crap you attract all the wrong things. but, when u feel good all time time, lots of good things start to get attracted into your life. it's almost like a reward from your environment. since i feel good and sharing it with the people around me, they give some of that positive energy back and it just snowballs into better things in life.

ps: another thing related to this i've been thinking about lately... is that whenever i find myself criticizing somebody it's usually because i feel like crap and i'm not happy seeing them happier than me. this might be the root of things like jealousy. also, trying to be superior to others is also something to compensate for lack of feeling good. bc if you feel good, you don't have to be critical of others or jealous of their happiness bc u already feel good. so maybe if i become adept at feeling good, i will be less critical, jealous and arrogant. i won't need these things to feel good any more.

i just saw a commercial on tv for onlinebootycall.com ... wtf. lol