i never really had a realistic relationship with money.
all my life, it was either given to me, or dropped into my lap per luck.
so, i never earned it the hard way, never respected it.
but, while i did have it, i never did splurge too much.
i felt this strange guilt when spending the money.
also, i didn't get a strong urge to spend it on myself.
it felt like a waste to use money.
maybe, i was just stingy.

but now that i am working, it feels GOOD to spend money.
i no longer have a guilt hanging over me.
i can spend it and know that i totally deserve it.
now i want to travel, get cars, eat well at good places etc. etc. etc.

before i also had my social anxiety so i could not use the money that i had.
now, i work & am close to conquering my social anxiety.
the world is opening up to me.
i can communicate with strangers so i can travel anywhere.
i can go anywhere i want.
my people skills are getting to the point where i know i can survive anywhere.

but, it's ironic. before i had all the money in the world and i couldn't spend it.
now, i'm in a position where i can splurge hard and enjoy it immensely, but i have no money.

it's progress tho. that's for sure.
all i need now is money.

1. i am able to face reality much better now. i still flinch a lot but it's less than before.
2. the really good book that i had bought is called, "feel the fear, do it anyways."i recommend this book for anyone who needs to grow some balls.
3. the healthier i am, the more i need to work on the "friendly" affirmation. this is because when i am healthiest, i become most ruthless.
4. i don't think the person who scammed me will be able to pay me back. how da hell is he gonna raise over 1 million dollars in 7 years. i mean, it's possible, but is very a tall order to fill.
5. i tore up my hands again yesterday on rings. it has been an year and a half since i did this. i am flying again.
6. today at work i am going to emphasize, "friendly"
7. my work schedule got shifted. it's a good thing. all my days start at 10am or later now. i complained that working in the frozen section got me sicked. so now they don't need me to come in at 8am anymore. i really did get sick from working in the freezer, so it's a valid reason. i tried my best to do the job. but my body couldn't take it.
8. my 23" samsung monitor broke. it started flickering constantly. i only got it an year ago too. disappointed, back on my 19" sony CRT.
9. i need to learn to trust my heart & mind and follow my beliefs & values. i get swayed by external forces too easily. the way i am now, there is no self, or very little of it. just something being influenced constantly by new things that come by.
10. don't force people to do things or force them into my pace. respect people's pace, thoughts, feelings, & energy. just because it is very different from yours doesn't make it something to attack. you can just remain separate,  co-exist without becoming it & just respectfully observe and wait. 
11. lately i get the most pleasure out of 1. looking at beautiful women 2. kids playing around 3. good smells. 4. watching my lifting progress. 5. feeling the fear, doing it anyways.

finally, my non-existant upper chest is starting to fill-in.
it took...

10-45==========45-10
           |   o   |
               |
              V
              ||
             ,..,

    INCLINE BENCH.

to finally have effect.

they changed the procedure.
now, they only require you to come in 1 day.
if you don't get chosen,
THAT'S IT!!!
yeaaaaaa
8am-4pm.
i'm done.
luckily there were a few cute girls there.
it kept my mind from going crazy from the boredom.
one hispanic girl had a face like an angel.
unbelievable.

there is this one guy at work who is telling me that he got kicked out of his apartment.
he said he has to live in his car for 2 months.
i felt really sorry for him.
he also told me that he got kicked out of his house when he was 10 years old.
and has been independently living by himself since.
wtf.
so i thought about what i can do to help him.
i didn't want to give him money - i am broke too.
but, i have this guitar that i bought while i was still rich.
it cost me $1000.
if i give it to him, he can prolly sell it on craiglist for $500.
that would help him.
i was actually thinking about giving it to him.

but, yesterday, he tells me he found a place to stay for a couple of weeks.
so his situation is not all that bad anymore.

but, another co-worker says that i should use the guitar for my girlfriend, not give it away.
he has a point.
anyways, i'm still questioning whether i give it to him or not.
but, the point of the post was to say that i started to play the guitar again.
because i pulled it out of the closet to take a look at it.

and, i have an interest to learn now.
so maybe i'll end up keeping it and practicing on my spare time.

1. "can i help you find something?" minimum 15 people.
2. don't go overboard w/ "cihyfs?" a relaxed, reasonable pace.
3. fine tuning my interaction & intimacy with co-workers
4. learn how to say things in an endearing way, that doesn't create opposition.
5. do it the right way. as little short cuts as possible.
6. enjoy, people watching.
7. get back my good posture.
8. "i am friendly" to the max.
9. find the right pace. allowing me to get everything done, as fast as possible, but with quality.
10. attempt deeper small talk w/ co-workers (the ones i usually don't talk to)
11. keep observing people and how they talk & joke around.

hm... "finding the right pace."

12. every human encounter is an opportunity to learn. on BOTH sides.

you know, i was doing pretty well.
i was feeling really energetic, independant and alive.
right before i started to hang out with my old group.
i think certain individuals try to keep me down.
you can tell which people are supportive and which are bashers.
man, if i didn't meet up with my old group.
i wouldn't be in debt.
i would have just been in my old life.
but, if i think about it.
i'm making all this new progress because i got fucked over.
before this i got rejected by the tibetan girl.
then, i started to make progress in my life.
it seems whenever shit hits the fan, my life gets upgraded somehow.
it's funny how life works.

i'm starting to realize, i don't need haters, suppressors in my life.
either you are a supporter of my life OR FUCK OFF.
it doesn't matter how long i've known the person.
if they are suppressors of my life, they are GONE.

i just read up on gabrielle reece.

her husband is laird hamilton.

it's a weird coincedence that laird hamilton's picture is in my trunk.
i had driven up to neptune's net and taken some magazines off the rack there.
on the malibu magazine front cover is laird hamilton.

this guy is probably the ballsiest motherfucker currently alive.

he big wave surfs the largest waves on the planet.

i always admired this guy for his bravery.
man, i want to be as brave as this guy.
he is pure balls.
i want to be pure balls too.

their child brody, was born january first of this year.
look how huge he is.
huge parents, huge children.
amazing family.

so much progress & momentum today, i cannot write it out on this page.
i will keep the important details to myself and bask in my own glory.
muhahahahaahahahaahahahaahahaha.
jk.
today was good.
i am probably the "can i help you find something?" champion of the day.
i asked that question to about 50 guests today.
tomorrow, i'll try to top this number.
my goal is to be able to talk to any stranger at will.
the only people i am intimated by are 7.5, 8, 9, 10 females.
especially if they seem higher socio-economic status than me.
but, i'll get over it and i'll be asking these types of people too.
it's just a matter of time.
but, i don't just ask "can i help you something?" to just females.
it's half & half. males & females, so i don't descriminate.

i bought a book yesterday.
i'm gonna keep it a secret, what it's called.
it's the best self improvement book i bought so far.
it basically hits everything that's been on my mind, but actually has a solution to each of them.
it's most of the things i've been trying to figure out.
and, this woman has somehow managed to solve them.
she's amazing.
i can tell, she will have a huge impact on me for the rest of my life.
here she is....

omg, she's not only smart, she's cute too.
she's the best!!!

only negative thing maybe is that the book she has written, was basically what i wanted to write when i figured everything out.
she beat me to it.
maybe, i can take her knowledge and take it even further.
but, first, i have to master that which she is teaching.

remember that homeless dude that jumped me?
today, exactly where i gave him the quarter...
i saw...

Gabrielle Reece.

She is really tall. She looks better in person than on TV.
She was holding a baby. And, walking with another woman.
I recently saw her on America's Top Model. So, I remembered her face.

Tides are turning.
Bye bye homeless people, hello celebrities.

It's like the oldschool days in 2005'ish.
I was seeing celebrities every time i went to santa monica.
Maybe I'm getting my mojo back.