September 15, 2008

• money

  i never really had a realistic relationship with money.
  all my life, it was either given to me, or dropped into my lap per luck.
  so, i never earned it the hard way, never respected it.
  but, while i did have it, i never did splurge too much.
  i felt this strange guilt when spending the money.
  also, i didn't get a strong urge to spend it on myself.
  it felt like a waste to use money.
  maybe, i was just stingy.

  but now that i am working, it feels GOOD to spend money.
  i no longer have a guilt hanging over me.
  i can spend it and know that i totally deserve it.
  now i want to travel, get cars, eat well at good places etc. etc. etc.

  before i also had my social anxiety so i could not use the money that i had.
  now, i work & am close to conquering my social anxiety.
  the world is opening up to me.
  i can communicate with strangers so i can travel anywhere.
  i can go anywhere i want.
  my people skills are getting to the point where i know i can survive anywhere.

  but, it's ironic. before i had all the money in the world and i couldn't spend it.
  now, i'm in a position where i can splurge hard and enjoy it immensely, but i have no money.

  it's progress tho. that's for sure.
  all i need now is money.

  • 7:40 pm
  • 2 Comments