i really don't care anymore.
i used to think i would battle and win through effort & discipline.
but, i'm gonna take the easy way out.
i'm gonna start taking st. john's wort to improve my mood.
fuck it!!!!
i'm too old to be waiting around for a miracle anymore.
today, i took some and the people around me were acting differently.
they were joking around a lot more than usual.
maybe my mood is changing.
also, when i smiled today, my teeth were involved.
and, in a very natural way.
usually, the best that would come out would be a smirk or a half smile.
today, i was actually smiling.
hmm.
i might have to take this thing for the rest of my life.
but who cares, if it increases the quality of my life.

also i bought some turmeric yesterday.
it's supposedly good for inflammation, and anti-tumor.
 

i was brought up to shun materialism. 

but...

money, physical appearance do play a role in society.
the more you have the greater respect you are given.

now, extremism of any type is unhealthy.

but, i don't see anything wrong with taking advantage of mechanisms that exist.
to ignore a reality that exists is just a great a sin as any.

it is possible to enjoy the materialistic aspects of life,
without losing heart and rendering care to those around me.

legs..

working out leg muscles has a direct relationship on how you dance
now i know those people dancing like they are flying over the dance floor
and have crazy quick, but controlled footwork
basically, have super strong leg muscles.
zero percent fat on their legs.
and, enough power to support x1.5+ their body weight.

throat..

your tone of voice has a direct influence over how people react to you.
the difference in tone of voice can be the difference between someone
opening up to you. or just being cold or even antagonistic.
give a little warmth, get the same back.

i told HR today that i can't handle more than 4 hours of push.
these other kids working push are in their early 20's.
i'm 32.
fuck pushing more than 4 hours.
push is basically constant walking & displaying items on the shelf.
called push because we push these large-ass heavy tubs around carrying products.
hopefully, they respect my age & body and max me out at 4 hours.

today some women when talking to me were using that higher pitch cute voice.
i think my health is coming back.
when my mojo is on, they talk that way.
also, the girls that i think are cute are doing the reverse-can-i-help-you-find-something? again. this is when a girl i think is cute comes up to me and asks me questions about products.
it's a good sign.
i think it's the vitamin c.
it's giving me preventative protection.
i hadn't felt full-health is a while.
it feels good.

1. "growth takes 1-2 years, not in a few months" -random omgarget worker.
2. i have so much to learn, so much to grow. i'm just at the tip of rejoining humanity.
3. to function harmoniously with people, my self-centeredness has to be curbed.
4. my selfishness is probably still at 85%. an 8.5.
5. if i can get it down to 60%, a 6.0 i should be ok.
6. how do i lower it?
7. give more, take less.
8. consider others into the equation.
9. use a tone of voice that is respectful of others.
10. give more importance to what others are saying.
11. really listen.
12. just keep interacting with people so i pick up the little tricks & etiquette that are socially acceptable.

1. "variety, the spice of life." -dkim.
2. "i am exciting."
3. in-and-out only once a week.
4. eat at a different restaurant each day of the week. explore & learn.
5. try things even if it seems like it might suck. you don't know till you try it.
6. doing something is always better than doing nothing.
6b. doing something NEW is always better than doing something.
7. try new shit.
8. open to experience.
9. talk to anyone.
10. fail to learn.
11. feel the fear, do it anyways.
12. just do it.
13. always keep improving.
14. i grow stronger each day.
15. it just keeps getting better.

15 things you don't already know about me.

1. i burned my face when i was 12, in japan. i was in the hospital for 3 months, mummified.
2. my hospital mate for 3 months was a real yakuza gangster. he had a full body tattoo.
3. i was league polevault champion in highschool. i jumped 13'6.
4. i work at omgarget for minimum wage.
5. my penis bends slightly leftwards when erect.
6. i drove on the wrong side of the road for half a mile at 55 mph on a dare.
7. i drove through del taco drive-thru backwards.
8. i made $65,000 in 2 hours a couple of years back, daytrading.
9. i had a promissory note worth 500k at one point. then, it turned out to be a ponzi scheme. i cashed out 113k before it went down tho.
10. when i was a kid, i grabbed my little brother by the throat and pushed him against the wall. his feet were not touching the ground. he suffocated to death. i tried to resuscitate him by pounding on his chest. he started to cough. then the cough turned into laughter. he said, "now i know that you really care." and ranaway. he tricked his death on me.
11. i am slightly reverse-psychic. people can hear my thoughts.
12. i believe in the power of affirmations.
13. our neighbor to the right of us had a retarded son. one day he stabbed his mother to death with a SPOON. the neighbors who took over the house bought it for 150k. i thought they were such fools for buying a haunted house. i laughed at them for their cursed decision. 2 years later the house shot up in value to 600k. ><
14. i take supplements to increase my testosterone.
15. i take 2-3G of vitamin C on a daily basis.

i tag: mtking, midnightvenice, thekiwiintoxication, yumejuju.

i want a blackberry bold when it comes out.
i think having access to internet, gps, email, phone is a decent investment.
i'll never get lost.
i'll use my computer less and save on the electricity bill.
i can read and write xanga from anywhere.
it looks pretty damn cool too.

i want to get xanga premium & google adsense enabled.