August 26, 2006
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“I don’t hold grudges.”
This past month, I’ve been trying the affirmation.. “Be happy for the success of others.”
Although on the surface I seemed happy for them, I felt myself deep down.. still a little bitter and jealous of others who are smarter, doing better than me, look better than me, or are happier than I am.So I started to investigate. What was causing me to feel this way? In general, I am of the asshole variety, and I always knew I really needed to improve this side of me. When I watch my thoughts, my mind is on auto-criticizer mode. Constantly finding faults, making corrections and looking for ways to lower the other person in comparison to me. I know this sounds pretty bad thus far.. but bare with me.
So I started to list some affirmations that might help me subdue the critic in me. Listed a dozen of them, but none seemed appropriate or effective. Then it happened.. Boom out of nowhere.. I don’t know, maybe it was the Xanga princess of affirmations that came down from heaven and planted it in my heart. “Don’t hold grudges.” Seemingly disrelated, but it was exactly what was needed. It wasn’t till the next day, when I started to actually use the affirmation, that I realize what a far-reaching breakthrough it was. It’s unbelievable how many small and massive grudges I have piled up within me against various people, things events, in the past & present. I observed my thoughts and I was creating grudges against the people I was encountering in real-time! No wonder I was bitter against those who I felt were superior to me, no matter how hard I tried to be happy for them. I spent maybe the past 3-4 days undoing these grudges I have built up. At first it was difficult, but after a dozen times, admitting to fault and/or forgiving and letting go of the grudges became easier. After a while, it felt very good to let go of these things. I got so confident about it, I roamed my memory of past grudges & events and try to let go of those too.
The result? My mind is very quiet now. It kinda feels like I am at peace with those people I held grudges against for such a long time. Can’t believe a silent, internal, grudgefest was being fought within me without me knowing about it. “I don’t hold grudges.” Invaluable. I observe my mind today, and it’s a totally different environment. The critical thoughts pop up once in a while, but I slam it down immediately and it has no choice but to stfu. It’s amazing how many small grudges I had built up over the smallest, most insignificant things. I’m gonna try to make this affirmation totally become a part of me through habit and repetition. I have a feeling doing so will change my personality quite a bit, for the better, in the long run.
Contemplating whether to delete this entry or not…
Good night! & have a good weekend, yo.
Comments (7)
Ok, you can delete now that I’ve read it.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. It’s also very difficult to integrate into our busy crazy modern lifestyles. If it’s you vs someone else, you’ll be the better person if you can forgive. Then you can show compasion for the one that did you wrong, guide them, and hopefully they will correct their actions. Leading by example is also good. I hope you’re able to forgive and address the grudges of your past to correct the situations. Feels like turning over a new leaf and starting over fresh huh? Good luck dood.
Jae
Hahaha how? I don’t have a very rich vocabulary book in my head haha. But thanks for the goodluck.
Sure, there’s a walker’s high. The rhythmic pace of walking is all it takes. See, when you have a long tough journey ahead of you, you’ll be focused on 2 things: the finish, and the present. When you can get your mind focused on those 2 things at the same time, they become 1… And that’s when runners/walker’s high comes on. Time stops, pain ceases, and it’s just you. Sorta like zen. The pace of your walk becomes hypnotic, like the swinging pendulum, or watch tick-toc, or chants. Try it out! Lemme kno if u wanna walk together. Tomorrow (sunday) I’m trying a new pathway near my house, it’s 2miles roundtrip.
Jae
Hey, I read this post again, I think I interpreted it wrong… You talked about grudges, not forgiveness. Grudges are held when you compare yourself to them. You shouldn’t hafta do that. In fact, you shouldn’t judge others, tho we all are guilty of that. Don’t worry about them, what you see is not the whole story. Maybe they have tons of money cuz their parents died early and inherited. Maybe they’re smarter cuz they’re booksmart and not streetsmart, or their parents didn’t let them have a life besides studying. In any case, I would love to hear their stories to find out how they got to where they are. Maybe I could learn something from them.
Jae
u can always protect your post (and keep some more personal entries to yourself)
props for achieving a bit more inner peace.
good for u!